It´s December 30, 9:15 in the morning. It´s freezing cold outside and I´m sitting at the table in my boyfriend’s kitchen while he´s still asleep. My morning tea (chamomile) is too hot to drink yet, and I can feel myself getting hungry. I´m debating whether I should have breakfast by myself or just have a little snack and wait for him so we can have breakfast together.

(Update: Had a banana and feel better now so I´ll wait for him, I love having breakfast together and we bought an avocado yesterday to share so I´m excited for that)

🍵

It´s also my beloved Patti Smiths birthday today, I just thought about how a year ago, I made a birthday cake for her that said “Happy Patti Birthday” that I decorated and then ate myself because obviously, I don´t know her in real life. But making a cake for someone you fangirl over sounds like something Patti would do as well, and I think it´s sweet to remember and celebrate someone like that.

Tonight, we´ll have a movie night at home 🍿 debating between Back to the Future III or Linkin Park: Live in Texas and before that, at 2 pm I have to go to work one last time to drop off my stuff since I´ll stop working there and I´m a bit scared it´ll be awkward and I have no idea how to leave (Do I just go? Do I hug people goodbye? I have no idea, I´ve never been in a situation like that but I guess I´ll figure it out.)

(Update: We ended up watching neither, instead we rewatched “Walk the Line”. Also, I didn´t hug anyone goodbye since there was almost no one in the office anyways.)

— ☾ —

Anyways, what I wanted to talk about were new years resolutions - some may love them, some may hate them, but I’m a big fan. I love everything about New Year’s Eve—it’s one of my favorite days of the year. But then again, I love any excuse to celebrate, to turn an ordinary day into something special.

I enjoy reflecting on the past year and every year I feel so motivated and hopeful for the year ahead.

I love pulling tarot cards and reading horoscopes, and I love watching fireworks 🎆 …yes, I know they’re bad and should be forbidden, but I can’t help it — I love them! and my favorite part is dressing up even if there might be nowhere specific to go, eating good food, and dancing my way into the new year—because dancing feels like a good way to start anything.

I know a lot of people think New Year’s rituals are silly. But these traditions bring me so much joy, and I love them deeply, so I won´t ever let anyone take that away from me.

— ☾ —

🍸 A year ago, I spent new year’s on my own, and was very much in my YouTube Vlog era, so I made a cute video out of my experience, because even though I was alone, I had the best time.

Last night, I journaled and thought about which areas of my life need attention (almost all of them!) and how I want to approach my New Year’s resolutions this time. If you´ve been following me through my last diary entries, you know I´m not doing well at the moment, but with New Years right around the corner, I feel very hopeful better times are coming soon.

Moving my body (to let the rage out)

Yes I know, I know, the most obvious resolution one could have. But I´ve noticed a lot of rage and anger in me, anger towards myself, the people around me. I´ve been constantly fighting with my Boyfriend and my Mum, and I feel like my emotions are controlling me.

I know that movement helps me, I know I need a way to let all of this out of my system in a healthy way.

There are many sports I´ve always wanted to try, such as pole dance or kickboxing, and while boxing might actually be great to release anger, I know if I start something I´ve never done before I´ll lose interest very fast, so for now, I´ll stick to sports I actually know I enjoy.

I´ll go to Ecstatic Dance more often and prioritize it because I know it´s good for me, and I won´t make excuses not to go unless I´m not feeling well.

And I should go clubbing more because it´s hours and hours of dancing it all out and I love it, but I haven´t done it frequently the past months because I worked most nights (but now that I have lost my job, I´ll have more time for the things that bring me joy).

And running was another thing that felt good to me, but I know it´s so cold outside so that might be unrealistic as of now, but something for the warmer months.

This little world you´re part of:

I´m the best at starting projects, getting very excited about something, pouring all my love, energy and time into it just to get bored at some point and never finish it.

My list of unfinished projects keeps growing and growing.

I really want it to be different this time. This year I created the website of my dreams, much greater than I thought it could be in the beginning, I built this vision and watched it come alive. And while that´s great, I know the hard part is not giving up.

I want to make this promise to myself that this will be the one thing I finish. And with finishing I mean to never stop. To grow and strive to be better and better, always improve my writing, the visuals, my storytelling, explore new ideas to make the website alive and fun and never settle. I will keep writing and one day this will be the way I always imagined. I imagine many many people, a safe space that is used as one by people from all over the world. Because that´s the way (the only way) this is gonna live the way it´s intended to.

Weekly Solo Dates:

I used to have this tradition with myself to take myself on a date every week to prioritize quality time with myself. I don´t know why I even stopped, because I know it had a positive impact on myself and the relationship I had with myself.

Because this year, the relationship with myself has been very shit – I know I´m unhappy with myself and my life, therefore I project that into everything around me, and while I know all of that, I can´t get out.

I used to have a great relationship with myself, but that was years ago. And thinking about that makes me really sad, and I want to actively start getting along with myself again, and taking myself out on a date a week might be a good start.

These are my three main goals: get all the rage out of my system by moving my body frequently and continuing this so it´ll never be as bad as it is right now, not giving up on this website and keep believing in that vision, and spend more quality time with myself by taking me out on weekly dates.

I would love to travel to new places in 2026, I would love to finally find some friends in Berlin and I would love to find a job I enjoy and an apartment for myself, but these were goals I set for last year and couldn´t turn them into reality – except the traveling to new places, I explored Romania which is a country I´ve never been to before.

So for now, I´ll focus on pulling myself out of this bad place I´m in mentally, I´ll grief the death of my grandparents but I won´t drown in it the way I am right now, I´ll regulate my nervous system and I will find back my joy. My sun will shine again, and I will focus on good things that will happen to me very soon. I will be able to see the loss of my job as something good, I will work on the relationship with my boyfriend, I´ll try to be a better flatmate again and slowly build back everything that broke apart in the last months. I might have hit rock bottom this year but I´ll find my spark back. And I will shine again.

— ☾ —

Also, this is very random but I wanted to show you this beautiful bag that my sister crocheted for me as a Christmas gift

🎁

I´m a bit nervous about going to work later for dropping off my things, I know it´s for the better because I felt so poorly treated at that job, but the uncertainty that comes with not having a stable income really stresses me out.

I try not to think about it too much, I´ll focus on new years eve because that brings me joy - everything else I´ll figure out soon, one step at a time. ✶ …i wasn´t sure if i should include this or edit it out

— ☾ —

I don’t know how tomorrow night will feel yet. But we might meet again here?

I’m curious — do you make New Year’s resolutions, or do you quietly let the year turn? What little rituals make this season special for you?

my new year’s resolutions

January first / what I carried home

December twenty three