December twenty three

todays mood tracker (do you wanna share yours?)

🌀 💥 🪩 🌙 ⚡ 🛸 💤 🎧 💿 🌐 ✨ 🌧️

Today is December 23rd, it´s 10:51 in the morning and I´m on a very packed intercity train across the country to go home for Christmas. I wanted to put Christmas music on my mp3 player but didn´t have the time since I had to pack my things in the morning - something I wanted to do yesterday evening but was too lazy and kept pushing it back until after midnight and I was too tired to pack so I went to sleep. Instead of Christmas music, I´m now listening to Animal by Kesha (such a banger album!) Someone behind me is eating Fish & Chips (great choice for a long train ride in sharing a compartment with many people) and it smells like Fried Fish.

This night, I kept waking up thinking I overslept my alarm and missed my train only to find out it was only the middle of the night and I still had plenty of time to sleep left.

my view as I´m writing this

☁️

Going home for Christmas feels different this year, and while different doesn´t necessarily mean bad, in this case, it is.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and my heart feels heavy. Christmas means so much to me and for the first time ever celebrating without my grandparents, and the new partners of my parents instead is a swap that I don´t feel happy about at all.

I think back on Christmas last year, and how no one knew this would be our last Christmas as it always was. Because this year, both parents started seeing new people, and my grandparents passed. Only two weeks ago I was on the same intercity train to come home for my grandpa’s funeral while just three weeks before that, I went home for my grandma’s funeral. It just happened so fast, I just want everything to pause for a moment.

I can´t really put in words how I feel - I´m longing for a slice of normality, just a glimpse of what life used to be like. I wanna give our “new Christmas” a chance but I know how stubborn I can be when things don´t go the way I pictured. I wanna go home with an open heart and embrace change, but I know myself and I know that might get difficult.

I´m hoping to rest a little for the next days, I just feel so tired. I´m also not in Christmas spirit but I haven´t been in years which makes me a little sad. Of course, I can´t expect Christmas to feel the way it did when I was a kid, but I wanted to decorate a gingerbread house and listen to Christmas music and try my best to feel excited about the little things again. Well, I didn´t. I guess that´s okay too.

Tonight I´ll go to the Christmas Market with Maja, we haven´t seen each other in a year but always stay connected through way too long voice notes and phone calls. We went to High School together, forming a special bond over the fact we both dreamt of the day we could leave our hometown - something no one except for us could understand. As we both went on our own paths, she moved to Barcelona and I moved to Berlin, we always kept in touch. Being with her feels like normality, it feels like we´re both eighteen again, getting drunk on cheap grocery store Vodka sitting on our favorite spot on top of a hill overlooking our hometown dreaming about the big wide world. Even though we´re not eighteen anymore, our dreams went through a filter of reality, I don´t drink anymore and we´re not as delusional as back in the day, it still feels so light and carefree to be reunited again. I´m really looking forward to this evening. Maybe this could be the slice of normality I´m longing for.

I might come back to this journal entry to give you an update right here.

I feel like this diary section feels so heavy at the moment, but since I can only write about whatever is occupying my mind and thoughts that´s just the way I feel. Maybe someone who reads this is feeling the same way and can find comfort in shared heaviness. I´m sure there will be lighter diary entries soon - I´ll keep that hope alive.

I recorded a voice note last evening - I was really delusional thinking I would pack last night instead of this morning, but I did make the pasta salad that I´m about to eat now.

If you celebrate Christmas - how do you feel about it? I hope you´ll find some time to rest and recharge, at least that´s what I´m hoping for myself. Take care and I´ll talk to you very soon!