January first / what I carried home
todays mood tracker
January 1, somewhat after midnight.
Cold water on my hands.
Two women sharing a glass of white wine, waiting for an empty toilet stall.
Muffled music mixed with fireworks outside.
An empty martini glass by the sink.
I keep staring at it.
Theyāve already played two of my favorite songs to dance to šµ ā¦are you gonna be my girl? / jet and the emptiness machine / linkin park
I just locked myself in the bathroom for a little break to breathe and eat my āemergencyā granola bar that I always carry with me because I always forget that dancing burns through me faster than I expect.
New Years Eve didnĀ“t go the way I thought it would ā¶ honestly, I wasnĀ“t sure whether I should even write about it at all but I guess thatĀ“s just how life is, so IĀ“ll embrace the messiness.
When I opened the curtains this morning, it snowed and the world suddenly felt magical and kind. Huge, perfect snowflakes falling just to land in the backyard and cover everything in white. It was gone two hours later and replaced with mud and rain, but for this hour, it felt magical, the perfect landscape for journaling, tea and pulling tarot cards as I always do the morning of New Years Eve.
I felt so excited for my second favorite day of the year (the first one being my birthday, obviously) and eating good food, dressing up, watching fireworks and dancing all night long.
I guess, looking at it like that, tonight went according to plan.
We had good food, summer rolls at home with all of our favorite fillings.
I wore my favorite skirt.
I danced a lot.
I still felt empty in a way ā suddenly my naive way of hoping for better things felt stupid. IĀ“m always so hopeful but thatĀ“s exactly the way I feel every year, and in the end, nothing changes except the number on my calendar. Usually, my little new years eve traditions bring me joy, they did today as well until doubt started creeping in making me feel stupid for believing in change for good.
I was in my head way too much all day, thinking about everything that I couldĀ“ve done better in 2025 even though I know thereĀ“s no point in that. Still, I was struggling too much to not be in my head and in the past, letting the day pass by somehow. I wanted to be present and enjoy, and I didnĀ“t. Not the end of the world, I know.
The only moments when I felt truly present were when I danced.
I like how I am when I dance.
ā I feel like myself.
The mirrorball glittering over my head, I keep looking at it, looking at the people around me, smoke filled air, a sticky dancefloor, blinking lights and way too loud music, I couldnĀ“t imagine a place IĀ“d rather be to start a new year. Ća plane pour moi playing. I have no idea what time it is.
ā ā¾ ā
5:24 a.m.
IĀ“m home now. ThereĀ“s glitter all over my face. I donāt want to forget this version of myself. So I sit and I write, my feet hurt and I just took two melatonin pills to help me fall asleep later.
What I didnĀ“t tell you before ā ā¦Iām just a bit embarrassed that I literally stepped into dog shit right before midnight.
Shit happens, I guess.
I didnĀ“t notice until Etienne noticed dog shit on his shoe after coming back from the bathroom, so naturally, I checked my own shoes as well just to see lots of shit sticking to the soles of my shoes as well. That was when I also started smelling it which made it even more embarrassing. IĀ“m assuming we shared the same poop to ground our feet into ā it was his left foot covered in poop and my right foot as he was standing on my right side when we watched the fireworks. Cleaning our shoes with very unlimited equipment in the bathroom was a struggle, but somehow, we managed, even though it took almost an hour.
IĀ“m very tired. IĀ“ll sleep now. Happy 2026.
