February first
It´s been a while since we talked - I´m sorry I didn´t reach out sooner, but that´s just how life is sometimes. I´m sitting in my hostel dorm bed in Koh Chang, Thailand. There is no one here except for me, which means I am blessed with a private room for the price of a shared one. Life is good, in a way. And in a way, it´s not.
The problem when running away from your problems to another country is that they will catch up sooner or later.
Before coming to Thailand, I spent a week in Mumbai to visit my friend and attend a music festival (where Linkin Park, one of my favorite bands performed) and had such a blast. I laughed so much, more than I have in the past four months combined before. I felt like myself again when dancing to my favorite music, singing along with thousands of people, I could say that I fell in love with life again. Sounds cliché, I know. I was looking at everything with rose colored glasses, which felt so good after struggling so much lately. I thought to myself that it was the best decision ever to spontaneously book that flight. In a way, it was.
I left India with a very heavy heart to continue my way to Thailand. I´ve never been, all I ever heard was how great it was. I´ve been here for less than a week and have mixed feelings, but I really, really wanna love Thailand.
I feel like ever since setting foot into Thailand, everything I struggled with came back to me - which obviously isn´t Thailand’s fault, there are many reasons why I feel mixed about my travels here.
I´m sitting here in paradise and all I want is to feel happy. I got mad at myself for not feeling the way someone is supposed to feel like when being in a place like this. Like, who wouldn´t feel happy with a view like this?
captured on my digicam earlier today
This morning, I sat outside my hostel and journaled, the way I have every morning since coming here. I wrote and wrote and poured my heart out about everything I felt. How mad I was at myself, I called myself ungrateful and all other things – none of them being nice. I ended those pages with an attempt to shift my attitude towards myself. Whatever I´m feeling is valid, and it´s okay. No one is profiting if I beat myself up.
Today would´ve been my grandpas’ birthday. I sat by the beach in the afternoon and thought of my grandparents, and the happy memories of us that I carry in my heart. And I cried and then I stopped and thought about different things, and suddenly cried again, which I repeated all day long.
I miss them a lot, there are days where I barely think about everything that happened and there are days where it consumes every thought I have.
Grief is a process, and it won´t stop just because I´m in a beautiful place. I wanna do my best to give room to all my emotions, but I won´t let them consume me. I´m thinking about Berlin and trying to figure out what I´ll do once I get back – jobwise and apartment wise. At the same time, I wanna be present. Enjoy the food I´m eating, enjoy the sand under my feet and the sun on my bare skin. I´ll find a balance. I´ll do the best I can. That´s what I´m hoping for, tomorrow is a whole new day, after all.
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Update: ✶ It´s February second, I got my period this morning and thought I´d pass out from the pain more than once. I couldn´t get up to buy myself food, I spend almost all day in bed, sleeping, staring at the mattress of the top bunk above me because I refuse to take painkillers. Eventually, I dragged myself out to buy some bananas and nuts. Okay, maybe today wasn´t great either. But tomorrow will be better, I´ll do my best. I´ll eat mangoes and go to the beach and swim in the ocean.
— ☾ —
I won´t do anyone good by beating myself up because I don´t feel happy 24/7. I feel very grateful though. Grateful to be here. Grateful for this life, after all. Grateful for the courage to do things on my own when no one else wants to come. Grateful for being safe and healthy. Grateful for my adventurous spirit. Grateful for the privilege of having a strong passport, I´ll never take it for granted, I promise.
Anyways, back to today.
I went back to the beach for sunset, bought mango sticky rice on the way, and someone next to me was playing guitar, and it was lovely.
🥭
For some reason, this was my first happy moment in Thailand. Maybe because I let it all go. Maybe tomorrow I´ll struggle all over again. Probably.
Later I had dinner and got to talk to two guys from Israel – the first travel conversation I actually enjoyed here. One of the guys looked very much like my uncle who passed away very surprisingly last summer while I was in Romania, which felt very surreal – they had different hairstyles, but the face and facial expressions looked so much alike it felt a bit scary.
I just got off the phone with my mum and we had a lovely talk, and now it´s almost 11 so I´ll brush my teeth and go to sleep. I haven´t slept well in days (actually ever since coming to Thailand) and I´m hoping I´ll sleep better tonight because I´m very tired.
— ☾ —
Update: ✶ I slept a bit better so that´s a win.
— ☾ —
I´ll talk to you soon and will give a proper life update soon-ish. I´ll let you know once it´s there. Until then, taking it one day at a time.
