December twenty one
todays mood tracker (do you wanna share yours?)
Today is December 21st. The year is coming to an end. ItĀ“s right before midnight and IĀ“m writing this with a heavy heart.
Earlier today I was walking home from the train station, the cold and crisp winter air burning on my face while my mp3 player was playing random songs on shuffle that didnĀ“t match at all, and suddenly, this wave of disappointment hit me.
IĀ“m at the same point in life as I was a year ago. And I had so many aspirations and ideas for what I wanted to achieve in 2025.
I donĀ“t know where the year went, I look back and see glimpses, but nothing to fill a whole year with. What happened? It feels like I can barely remember it, which scares me.
Now IĀ“m sitting in my room, I just wrote in my journal but came to no conclusion. š ā¦listening to "the voice" by ultravox as iĀ“m writing this
Of course, this could be my fuel for motivation, so a year from now, I donĀ“t look back on another year of missed opportunities. I canĀ“t change whatĀ“s in the past, but I can change the future. But I remember that a year ago, I thought the same thing. How in 2025, things are gonna change, I will finally find my own apartment and a job that I love, a real, adult job and I will work on my concert videography journey and freelance and my mental health will be in such a better state.
To be fair, I did get my first ārealā job, but since I just lost it again two weeks ago, IĀ“m back just where I started. I applied for so many apartments and went to so many flat viewings so I could finally move out of my toxic living situation but had no luck. So in the end, everything is exactly the way it was last year, if not even worse. I just feel so scared when it comes to the future because IĀ“m afraid I canĀ“t meet my own expectations once again.
I think thatās why Iām scared about the blog too. I mean, actually itĀ“s one of the good things that happened this year - that this idea found me again and gave me a space to pour a lot of my love and energy into. And even though no one reads it as of now, IĀ“m still proud of it because I made it all myself and watched my vision come to life. Then again, IĀ“m scared that the blog is just another of my thousand started and never finished projects, because IĀ“m very good at having ideas and starting things and pouring all my love into something, until I loose interest and never finish.
This is supposed to be different. For now, it is, because I love doing it. IĀ“m still scared that no one will ever read this. ThatĀ“s something I keep thinking about, that this is all itĀ“ll ever be. Because the blog is only gonna live through the people, the community, through sharing thoughts and recommendations in the comments, through having people experience this world I created.
my view as IĀ“m writing this (god berlin looks so depressing in winter)
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Anyways, I got carried away a little ā but thatĀ“s what this section of the blog is for: the unfiltered posts, the unperfect, messy writings the way I would write about them in my journal.
I wanna give myself credit for things I did this year, but it doesnāt change the fact that IĀ“m again at the same point as I was last year, even though temporarily, things changed. I feel like a failure, and IĀ“m so disappointed. My mental health is shit. I still live in the same shared apartment. The list goes on.
I just feel so lost. I donĀ“t even know what I want for my life anymore. I miss my grandparents so much, I miss their voices and the way their apartment used to smell. I just wanna be a kid again, I want my parents to be in love with each other again and my grandparents to be living and healthy and I want us all together on a warm summer day in our garden doing a barbecue. I know thatĀ“s not possible, and I know I shouldnĀ“t be so hard on myself as IĀ“m still in the process of navigating the grief of the recent loss of my grandparents, and in a way, the loss of my job as well.
Maybe 2025 didnĀ“t go as I thought I would. Maybe 2026 wonĀ“t either. Maybe I just need to rest a little. IĀ“m exhausted by all the shit that currently keeps happening in my life. Maybe I canĀ“t give myself credit for things I did achieve and maybe thatĀ“s okay too. I still have faith that good things for me are right around the corner, and I try to keep that hope alive. ThatĀ“s a good thing.
I made it through the year, and in the end, thatĀ“s all that matters.
We made it through the year - thatās worth holding onto. š Does anyone else feel like this? Like time both flies and doesnāt move at all?
