December twenty one
todays mood tracker (do you wanna share yours?)
Today is December 21st. The year is coming to an end. It´s right before midnight and I´m writing this with a heavy heart.
Earlier today I was walking home from the train station, the cold and crisp winter air burning on my face while my mp3 player was playing random songs on shuffle that didn´t match at all, and suddenly, this wave of disappointment hit me.
I´m at the same point in life as I was a year ago. And I had so many aspirations and ideas for what I wanted to achieve in 2025.
I don´t know where the year went, I look back and see glimpses, but nothing to fill a whole year with. What happened? It feels like I can barely remember it, which scares me.
Now I´m sitting in my room, I just wrote in my journal but came to no conclusion. 🌟 …listening to "the voice" by ultravox as i´m writing this
Of course, this could be my fuel for motivation, so a year from now, I don´t look back on another year of missed opportunities. I can´t change what´s in the past, but I can change the future. But I remember that a year ago, I thought the same thing. How in 2025, things are gonna change, I will finally find my own apartment and a job that I love, a real, adult job and I will work on my concert videography journey and freelance and my mental health will be in such a better state.
To be fair, I did get my first “real” job, but since I just lost it again two weeks ago, I´m back just where I started. I applied for so many apartments and went to so many flat viewings so I could finally move out of my toxic living situation but had no luck. So in the end, everything is exactly the way it was last year, if not even worse. I just feel so scared when it comes to the future because I´m afraid I can´t meet my own expectations once again.
I think that’s why I’m scared about the blog too. I mean, actually it´s one of the good things that happened this year - that this idea found me again and gave me a space to pour a lot of my love and energy into. And even though no one reads it as of now, I´m still proud of it because I made it all myself and watched my vision come to life. Then again, I´m scared that the blog is just another of my thousand started and never finished projects, because I´m very good at having ideas and starting things and pouring all my love into something, until I loose interest and never finish.
This is supposed to be different. For now, it is, because I love doing it. I´m still scared that no one will ever read this. That´s something I keep thinking about, that this is all it´ll ever be. Because the blog is only gonna live through the people, the community, through sharing thoughts and recommendations in the comments, through having people experience this world I created.
my view as I´m writing this (god berlin looks so depressing in winter)
🌙
Anyways, I got carried away a little – but that´s what this section of the blog is for: the unfiltered posts, the unperfect, messy writings the way I would write about them in my journal.
I wanna give myself credit for things I did this year, but it doesn’t change the fact that I´m again at the same point as I was last year, even though temporarily, things changed. I feel like a failure, and I´m so disappointed. My mental health is shit. I still live in the same shared apartment. The list goes on.
I just feel so lost. I don´t even know what I want for my life anymore. I miss my grandparents so much, I miss their voices and the way their apartment used to smell. I just wanna be a kid again, I want my parents to be in love with each other again and my grandparents to be living and healthy and I want us all together on a warm summer day in our garden doing a barbecue. I know that´s not possible, and I know I shouldn´t be so hard on myself as I´m still in the process of navigating the grief of the recent loss of my grandparents, and in a way, the loss of my job as well.
Maybe 2025 didn´t go as I thought I would. Maybe 2026 won´t either. Maybe I just need to rest a little. I´m exhausted by all the shit that currently keeps happening in my life. Maybe I can´t give myself credit for things I did achieve and maybe that´s okay too. I still have faith that good things for me are right around the corner, and I try to keep that hope alive. That´s a good thing.
I made it through the year, and in the end, that´s all that matters.
We made it through the year - that’s worth holding onto. 🌟 Does anyone else feel like this? Like time both flies and doesn’t move at all?
