october fourth
todays mood tracker
currently listening
I love the cinema. Or rather, I used to love it. I still say it´s my favorite thing when people ask for my hobbies, but it´s actually not true. The times I´ve gone to the cinema in the past six months I can count on one hand. The subscription I´ve had for my local cinema hasn´t been put to good use these days.
The reason for that is the breakup.
Before I met him, I always went to the movies on my own. I had my subscription, I could go as often as I wanted, and I did. Then I met him, he discovered his love for the cinema through me and eventually bought his own subscription. We didn´t have a lot of money to go on dates, so mostly all our dates were going to the cinema to watch movies. I went on my own every now and then, but not as often. The cinema turned from being my favorite thing to our thing.
Six months ago, we broke up. I went to the cinema on my own, and missed him even more afterwards, feeling shitty every time I went home. I went to the cinema with him as well, twice since the breakup, and going with him broke my heart even more. I just wanted to hold his hand, cuddle and get my forehead kissed, to go home together afterwards sharing the same euphoria after a good movie, to discuss the movie until we fall asleep next to each other. So sitting next to him in that cinema, feeling so far away from him and going separate ways home afterwards made me feel lonelier than I ever would completely on my own.
After about a year of dating, I wrote in my journal: When we go to the movies, I always love him the most, that´s when I feel closest to him. If we ever get into a big fight or the relationship will start to crumble one day, all we have to do is go to the movies and it´ll be alright again. Of course that was stupidly naive of me. But it sums up quite well what the cinema meant to us.
Last week, we went together to see Unshatter, Linkin Parks documentary. And while I loved the docu, I left the cinema with a heavy heart, because I miss him and how we used to be together.
This morning, I thought about how I want to reclaim my love for the cinema. It was mine before it was ours. I want to be able to go to the movies on my own and enjoy it. I might not get back his love, but I will get back my love for the cinema.
So tonight, I´ll go on my own again. I might go home and cry afterwards, but not going to the cinema isn´t the answer.
I´ll watch Don´t Look Back In Anger, the documentary about Oasis, I wanted to see it weeks ago but couldn´t bring myself to go to the cinema. And next week I´ll go again and watch something else. And again and again, until the cinema is a place I look forward to going to again.
I lost many things in that relationship, some things I´ll never get back, but my love for the cinema won´t be one of them. As I´m sitting here on my desk, I´m making this promise to myself. I´ll reclaim my love for the cinema. I might have to push myself tonight to go, because watching stupid YouTube videos at home might be the option that is more tempting in the moment, but I will go. I´ll get snacks and while it might not be good, I´ll get closer to my goal of wanting to enjoy my cinema again.