june seven
berlin, in my room, 7:12 pm
todays mood tracker
Today is Sunday, and I treated myself to a so called self care day to recharge and rest.
This meant sleeping in and feeling extremely exhausted because I went clubbing last night ✶ which made me feel so alive and connected to myself in the most beautiful way, and made me really happy in the moment. I had a dream about my ex that felt so realistic and made me sit in confusion. Sleeping in was already the best part of my day because everything went straight downhill when I got out of bed.
I spent most of my day on my couch crying. Which is the less glamourized side of self care. I know it´s necessary, and I know emotions need to be felt in order to pass on, and when giving myself the time and space to do so, it´s self care. And usually I love crying but today I didn´t. Today I just felt like shit. I was rotting on my sofa crying, being tired and hungry but so hungry that getting up to go to the kitchen made me feel like I´d pass out on the way.
Eventually, I did get up. I made some tea because all the crying led to feeling dehydrated, and cooked myself a packaged soup because that´s all the energy I could bring up. The little quote on my tea bag said “it´s never to late to start over” which I didn´t take a photo of because I didn´t think I would be blogging again. I still feel like it was a nice little sign from the Universe, and sometimes, those little things help me to keep hope.
I did feel better after eating. I brushed my teeth and put in a load of laundry. I opened my window and breathed in some fresh air.
I called my mum and occasionally cried a little here and there. I journaled for a bit and accidentally started doomscrolling on YouTube shorts which I´m not proud of, but that´s that.
Now I just took a bath which felt much needed, and my body feels clean and my mind feels a little more clean. There´s just something about boiling my body in piping hot bath water that makes me forget about the world for a bit.
💻
My plan for today was visiting a photography exhibition that today would´ve been the last day for. I also wanted to clean my room and do some meal prep and other things future me would be happy about. Well, I didn´t, and I guess that´s okay. At least I´m writing again so that´s a win. I´m a bit sad for the exhibition but also I can´t change that.
I would call today a successful self care day even though it might not look like it from the outside. I feel like in todays age, self care is often made to feed into consumerist habits. In buying face masks and bubble baths and cute aesthetic journals to write into. But buying all those things won´t help. Self care needs to be uncomfortable in times. It´s tuning in to my body and listening to what she needs, and providing that for her. It´s cleaning dishes that have been rotting in my room for days. It´s crying my eyes out or letting myself be angry and accepting all emotions for what they are without classifying them. It´s all those things and so much more. Some days, it may also be a bubble bath or face mask. But that´s only one side of the coin.
Anyways, I feel a bit more motivated. Not for the week ahead. I´m not gonna approach a big task from my to do list for now. But I might take out all my ear piercings and clean them, which is long overdue. And I feel like on a day like today, that´s more than enough.
