if he’s doing xyz, he’s gone
The other day I saw a video of a woman where she communicated her boundaries in terms of dating, framing it like: “if he´s doing xyz, he´s gone.”
Because I watched this one video, the algorithm decided to show me a shit ton more. Women talking about their boundaries in terms of dating, with a zero tolerance, no giving any fucks kind of policy.
Don´t get me wrong, having boundaries is great, it´s necessary. But once again, I feel like social media has taken something good and pushed it too far.
I feel like we expect the “perfect” partner to arrive at our doorstep, someone to treat us perfectly, someone without flaws, someone that doesn´t give us the ick, the list goes on.
Okay, if I was dating, of course I would stand my ground in terms of my own boundaries, and there are certain things that the other person could do and they would be gone too. But those would be big, fundamental things.
In most of the videos I watched, they were small things. Things like if he expects us to split the bill, he´s gone. If he doesn´t hold the door open for me, he´s gone. If he doesn´t have a stable job, he´s gone.
When did having standards become having a zero-tolerance policy for imperfection? And have we turned boundaries from something that protects us from genuinely harmful relationships into a checklist for eliminating anyone who doesn't perfectly fit our expectations?
If someone violates something fundamental, I leave. Of course I do. But with social media dating rules, the concept of having boundaries has somehow turned into he didn’t do exactly what I expected, so he’s gone. And I feel like that´s quite shitty.
Sometimes I behave like shit, and I’m very grateful when people give me grace and choose to stay. Everyone does. Everyone has bad days, everyone messes up, everyone has things they need to work on.
I read something the other day, something along the lines of we as a generation became so good at setting boundaries and protecting our peace that now, we barely have any friends anymore.
Maybe that's part of why so many of us feel lonely. I know I do. Maybe our obsession with protecting our peace has made us forget that sometimes, relationships require us to be uncomfortable, to forgive, to communicate, and to grow.
I feel like we became so good at cutting people off when they don´t behave the way we expect them to.
What happened to growing together? What happened to seeing potential in someone, even though as of now, they aren´t exactly the perfect partner. Actually, there is no such thing as a perfect partner anyway.
I feel like social media has turned relationships into a set of rules and expectations. And I know for myself, I’ve definitely fallen into that trap and questioned a perfectly healthy and great relationship because social media told me relationships were supposed to look different.
I (unfortunately) keep watching a lot of videos of things my high effort boyfriend does, princess treatment, shit like that. Honestly, I can´t hear it anymore, I don´t even want to watch those but the algorithm keeps showing them to me.
Heteronormative gender roles will always be reinforced if we expect things like princess treatment or a high-effort boyfriend. If the man is always expected to be the one putting in the effort, planning, and giving, while the woman is the one receiving it, we are reproducing the very roles we are actually trying to move away from. Because that way, the man will always be the “provider” and the woman will be pushed in a submissive, passive role.
I mean, we´re in a relationship after all. In my opinion, it needs to be balanced out. I will give him princess treatment as well, even though I hate that word with every fiber of my body. I will invite him out for dinner. I will plan dates. I will hold the door open for him. If he wanted, I would get him flowers or buy his favorite snacks.
I want to be at eyesight level with my partner, not being put on a pedestal. Everything else would stress me out, to be honest. I couldn’t be with someone that I couldn´t equally care for. Maybe that´s also something that me, a bisexual, has taken from dating women, because obviously, there is no man (which is great) so I feel like everything is more balanced out from the start. But even in same sex relationships, sometimes it feels like those gender roles are being pushed upon because someone needs to be the submissive part, and someone the dominant, therefore one of the two needs to be the equivalent of the man in the relationship. Which is so stupid. Anyway, moving on.
I feel like on social media, it´s almost expected of the man to put the woman on a pedestal, and everyone wonders why we are still trapped in a picture of heteronormative gender roles.
I would want a relationship that’s equal, where we both care and respect each other. That´s what my previous (and only) relationship looked like, and honestly, I couldn´t have handled it another way.
Anyway, I drifted off here. But since I keep watching those videos, (I am responsible for what the algorithm shows me, I am responsible for what the algorithm shows me, I am responsible for what the algorithm shows me!) this keeps my mind busy.
Maybe I'm thinking about this so much because this fits very well into the current season of my life.
I don't want a throw-away relationship. I want a relationship where two imperfect people keep choosing each other, growing together, and taking care of each other — without one person being above the other.
When I was in my previous relationship, the only relationship I´ve been in, I always said I never wanted a throw-away-relationship. Just because things don´t go the way I imagined, I won´t just leave.
Well, in the end he left, but I´m still certain that we´ll sort out our lives and get back together, I still believe that we are meant to be. Sometimes, all it needs is a break. Even though officially, it´s a breakup. I don't think that loving someone becomes meaningless just because the relationship ended.
Society expects me to move on. To put myself in victim mode, to hate him, to blame him. I´m expected to see other people, fuck other people and leave him behind, because it´s been five months.
And yes, I have a thousand reasons to leave him behind, the way I have a thousand reasons to stay. He´s treated me poorly the way I treated him poorly. We both struggled and let it all out on our relationship.
But after all, I still see the sweet and loving man in him that he was when we met.
I see his struggles, the way he isn´t happy with his own life, I see how he pushes everyone that cares about him away, me included.
I think about my times of struggle, when I pushed the people in my life away because I felt like a burden to everyone. Looking back, I´m forever grateful for the people that chose to stay.
Maybe that’s why I believe in staying. Not staying no matter what, not accepting everything, not abandoning yourself for someone else. But staying when someone is struggling, staying when things are difficult, staying long enough to see whether two people can find their way back to each other.
I think he also needs someone who stays. He knows I'll be there. Until then (and beyond) I'll live my life. I'll work on myself. And I´m holding onto the feeling that one day we´ll be together again.
And when we do, we´ll give each other princess treatment. He´ll make me food while I watch TV, and I´ll make him coffee in the morning. He´ll buy my favorite snacks and I´ll buy his. We´ll both love and care for each other on eyesight level.