october twenty six
todays mood tracker
I´m sitting in the kitchen, laundry rumbling in the machine and a pumpkin soup bubbling on the stove. It might be the last soup of the season. I´m slightly stressed because I haven´t done all the pumpkin dishes I wanted to do. The Smashing Pumpkins are on repeat, I have a strange obsession with Bullet with Butterfly Wings, I´ve been listening to it nonstop on my way to work these days. Even though the song doesn´t fit the vibe of a cozy night in the kitchen, Smashing Pumpkins as a band it is. I feel peaceful and a little tired, but I´m looking forward to pumpkin soup.
The other day I thought about how much love I have for this little space I created, it´s been with me for a while now through various seasons of my life. Every time I spent time here, I´m feeling at ease. I love writing those little posts, I love being in the zone just writing, no distractions. Getting into that zone is quite difficult though because I get distracted by literally everything.
Last week, I checked my analytics for the very first time, just out of curiosity. And to my surprise, there are a handful of people here already, which makes me so SO excited. And it´s not just people from Berlin, but from all over the world which is so special. I´ve seen my blog being opened in Korea, California, Peru, Belgium, Canada, China, the list goes on. I don´t wanna get caught up in numbers and analytics, therefore I won´t check them again but realizing for the very first time that there are actual, real people here is a feeling I can´t really put into words.
I just checked on my soup, and I think it´s time to purée.
I´m in my room now, pumpkin soup in my stomach, a hot water bottle on my stomach, the smell of fresh laundry in the air. It´s 10:24 pm already and I´m tired, work was chill today but I´m still exhausted somehow. I think I´ll go to sleep soon-ish. I love going to bed when it´s cold, I don´t like the cold but I LOVE sleeping under multiple blankets with a hot water bottle and my stuffed animals. The little joys in life.
Tomorrow is October twenty-seven, which means my grandma passed exactly a year ago. Strange how time flies. Tomorrow it´s been one year without her. In a way I feel like I only started grieving recently, or rather, new waves of grief hitting me. I just miss her a lot, and I keep thinking about things I´d like to ask her. Over the course of the past weeks, I stopped seeing her through the lens of a grandchild, I see her not as grandma but as a person. Writing this feels weird, of course she´s a person but I always saw her as Oma. As a person, there are many things I´d like to ask her, but that´s too late now.
I feel like I´d like to celebrate her tomorrow, in a Dia de los Muertos kinda way. Maybe I´ll think of something I can do tomorrow, something to connect with her, just for myself. Not quite sure what that could look like. I´ll think about it.
I´ll go to sleep now. Thank you for being here, I really appreciate it.
Love, Lou
Update, October twenty-seven:
I did something slightly out of character today: baking. I don´t think I ever baked something on my own (my ex used to enjoy baking, and my sister is great at baking, so I made cakes with them but never on my own). My Oma was the best baker ever, her cakes were always amazing, and she was known for baking the best cakes that everyone always looked forward to when we celebrated birthdays. This morning, I had the sudden impulse of baking something.
Well, I made banana bread, which wouldn´t have been something my Oma would make, but I had way too many overripe bananas, plus wanted to make something with very little chance of messing up. I looked up a recipe, even though about 50% of the ingredients were missing, I still gave it a shot. And in the end, I enjoyed the process of bringing together the batter, listening to music and thinking of my Oma.
The banana bread turned out quite well given the fact that lots of ingredients were missing.
It doesn´t look the prettiest, but it tasted good and that´s all that counts. I think I´ll call my Dad later and check on him and how he´s doing today.